humor | the Wakefield Doctrine - Part 13 humor | the Wakefield Doctrine - Part 13

You’re searching for good times, but just wait and see

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXvKRZRofDE

Mr. B we thank you for your efforts, even though this little experimental writing effort will totally confuse our Readers.

No, I think that this being a Friday, our Readers are accustomed to Posts that seem to have no perceivable rationale, make no sense and just seems to act as a filler to keep a Post-a-Day streak alive.  Funny though how the process works, looking for a topic, raking over things that float to the top of the brain and then browsing images (for Google we thank god), and just hope enough words coming out to comprise a Post.  The seeds of this particular ‘pearl’ seems to be conversation with the Progenitor roger and his new little experiment of a blog, (yes Janie, I am aware that a pearl is a clams way to deal with an irritant…”solidified clam puke”?…lol no I have not heard that one…back to the end of the Post where you can be introduced).  That conversation and a Comment made by DownSpring glenn about old and time.

Which concludes our Doctrine less for this Post.  It is easy, no make that it is impossible not to see that clarks are the creative ones of the three.  After all the saying is: clarks are the scientists, scotts are the salesmen and rogers are the machine operators.  This categorization holds and is consistent with the nature of the three.  Another way of saying that rogers are the accountants, engineers, lawyers and doctors (who all believe in a quantifiable universe) and scotts are the salesmen, leaders (both political and religious) and the person who screams “get in the hole” at golf tournaments and finally clarks are the creative ones, creative in the pure sense of the word, they bring forth the genuinely new, think the Christopher Lloyd character, Doc in ” Back to the Future”.

No, this is going to end up being one of the shorter Posts in recent time.  I really don’t think we are pulling off the “backwards writing of the Post”.  Nah, don’t really care.  I think that as long as there is a music video, a catchy photo and….( alright, and a charming high school student with clever asides) then it is ok to hit publish.  No, not really cheating, you have to stop trying to do this literally backwards, the only way to pull that off would be to write it forwards and copy it backwards.  I agree not the point just go with what feels right.

Hah, like a clark ever gets that spontaneous.  That is not gonna happen.  At least there will be a Doctrine lesson in this and a music video and I think I will use one of the Alice photos and maybe hope for something random as the front will be the back in all this.  So everyone bear with me, this will be over sooner than you realise and there will be the music video to reward your efforts. (No fair jumping forward, scott) or is that jumping backwards.

Sorry am/was stuck with some notion of time running backwards or the sequence being backwards un-folding.  I seem to remember something about the story of Merlin or Arthur or one of those fuckin half-hearted rogerian over-blown semi-epics describing the character as living his life in reverse.
As all too often happens, especially whan I do not have a genuinely good idea, I latch onto an odd idea (…as if…lol… ) and try to shape it enough to hit Publish.

So, why not let’s do a Post as Alice might see all running in reverse.  Yes, I know there is nothing about Alice in Wonderland that has anything to do with living in reverse time, but there is also nothing to do with glenns Comment on yesterday’s Post and (my) response alluding to “Of Mice and Men”   go figure.

YEah, why not this would then be the punchline…in front.

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You’re a blog writer, there’s a topic. That’s an order

 

 A) I’m really hungry, just not sure for what…
                                             B) …nah, you decide….
                                             C)…yeah except not red but more fun…

The Wakefield Doctrine (the theory of clarks, scotts and rogers) is a unique, productive and fun approach to understanding those around us.  Whether at home or at work or at play, finally the actions and behaviors of the people in our lives will be understandable and possibly begin to make sense.

Back to basics to start today, as we seem to be getting Readers from new locations and possibly even totally “new to the Doctrine’ Readers.  So a  welcome, like we do here at the Wakefield Doctrine:  Welcome!  Bine ati venit la Doctrina Wakefield!  Добро пожаловать на Wakefield доктрины! Wakefield सिद्धांत आपका स्वागत है!

(Unfortunately, the blog may not support the cyrillic or Indo-Aryan characters that are required to display our welcome message above, if not Wlecome to the Wakefield Doctrine (in romanian, russian and hindi).

It is good to review.  This blog is all about the theory of clarks, scotts and rogers, which maintains that all people experience the world in one of three ways and it is their experience (of the world) that produces characteristic behavior (i.e.personality types) not the other way around.  We are not ‘drivers’ or ‘Type A’ or ‘Axis C’ or Cerebrotonic’ or INTJ’ or ‘True Colors’ (no, really there is such a system!), whatever such damn nonsense.  These idiots (mostly rogers but if it is really out-there then a clarks or if it is kinda catchy but stupid then scotts) are trying to convince you that there is inherent in all of us a pre-dispostion to act a certain way.  And they, of course have sorted and organised and very conveniently named this collection of behaviors, which will be explained to you so you can recognise a INTJ type personality and feel so very erudite. (Hey, come on, its called the Wakefield Doctrine because thats where we drive around at…and it called clarks, scotts and rogers ’cause, well.. (can I get a big, “No! Keep the Name!! We all think its Great!!) thank you… (…lol…)

We know better, don’t we? (this is where you say, “yeah! damn straight!”) I thought so.  And not only do we know all those knuckleheads are totally deluded (unless they are scotts) but we happen to know the  truth.  (Can I get a  “Why yes! I concur!!). 

So here it is new Readers ( …”Yeah! New Readers!!!”  ok, sit down)  the simple truth to what has bothered you for most of your life ( …”Life!!! Yeah!  Bring that On Over!!!) (scott, go back to your seat or you will have to go to the quiet place…) (…”YEah!  quie…”)…what the Wakefield Doctrine maintains is people experience reality in one of three characteristic ways, and that it is the reality that creates the (behavior) and if we understand the reality that a person is experiencing then we will know how they will behave in any situation.

Forgive the poor sound quality on the clip that follows, but the truth is I could not bear to watch senior citizens trying to play a song that was never, ever meant for seniors…even if they did write it once in a time long ago…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1C2GVOLkxAc

Show of hands now:
A)  Did anyone listen to this in it’s entirety? (no, clarks don’t count in this little survey)
B)  Did anyone not think of Spinal Tap?

You know how I feel, this is not a nostalgia-themed blog, it just happens that most of my cultural markers are 50 fuckin years old.    (“YEah!! 50 Fuckin!!”  timeout scott…go ahead go to the corner now.)

But while the Wakefield Doctrine is not limited to an age or cultural mileu or anything like that, I cannot avoid referencing those events that comprise…blah, blah, blah)

(…that thing is still playing!! lol did you people in the 60s ever think that less is more?… )

…hey the song is over!  (…well that was only Part 1 lol the really interesting music is in Part(s) 1…5 )

So welcome to our new Readers, stay with us and this will all fall into place.  Ask questions, write Comments ( can I get a big  “Yeah, right” )

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it wasn’t my intention to eavesdrop, but there a guy sat, two stools away

 

I was meaning to tell you about the success of the Post that came out Monday but we got side tracked by that “24” thing. (btw, talking with DownSpring#1 right after hitting ‘Publish’, yesterday morning.  She say the night before was the Season Finale of that very show.  Ain’t synchronicity grand?)

Anyway, we are declaring the Monday Post (…”hey, did anyone else just hear something”… ) a complete success, as the only Readers that wrote a Comment in response to it were scotts.  Since the goal was to write for (one of the three specifically) and scotts were my target, then its…”A is for apple, binyons”.

But alas,that is not the topic today.  Today the topic is:…”you really want to know how seriously we take this Wakefield Doctrine?” 
The photo above on this page…came across it by random, probably a part of an ad for some genealogical service that is so pervasive on the ‘net.  Anyway, saw the picture, about to click forward, but then thought came into my brain, “alright, what (or more appropriately, who ) do have here in the family portrait?”
The answer: 3 scotts, 2 rogers and 1 clark.
Even though this Post is supposed to be about  rogers, stop at this point, take a minute, look at the photo and pick out the clark. (Hint: no, not him, close, nice guess, but nothim…keep tryin).
(At this point I would ask you to write a Comment, but I don’t think you will.  Afraid of being wrong, I hear.  I understand…even though you are telling yourself that this blog is funny and maybe this particular Post is all really silly… you are still afraid of looking stupid.  I do understand, I realize that you are not afraid of me responding to your Comment with something like: ” Here is a stupid answer”,  that is not what you are afraid of.  What you know would be awful would be a follow-up Comment such as:  “…now here is a good effort…unfortunately missed by this much”.  Now that would hurt.  So I do not expect any Comment, it is not that important, seeing how I do sort of know what you are thinking… (no, I really  do  know…) (hey, sorry, don’t care if you believe me or not, just the way it is), go ahead…don’t let the cursor hit you in the ass on your way out! lol)

So rogers are all over this picture (above).  Rogers love the family units, or more precisely, they love the idea of tradition and history. The photo shows history and implies history, and the people are the herd.  This will be the Wakefield Doctrine lesson for the day.  The question is not why the herd, that would be like asking why does the night follow the day, answer: hey, it just does.
The useful question is: if the herd is the most important thing (to a roger) then how does one make a roger want to do things.  As we saw in Monday’s Post, there is a way to speak to scotts that will not only be heard by the scott, but will be irresistible. (Damn, not being clear, sorry).
Let’s try this: you have all heard about the supersonic whistles that only dogs can hear, right?  Well not only can they hear them when you cannot, but they (the dogs) cannot resist them.  Blow on the sucker and Fido is all, “OK OK what? WHat do you Want?!  Are we gonna do something?  HUH?! HUH? (picture Warner Brothers/Jack Russell-type…hell with that,  picture the dog below bouncing 3 feet in the air over and over in front of you..)
 

…I know…I know and I apologise!  How the heck did we get back to those scotts?  This was to be a Doctrine lesson on the herd and rogers, instead we are looking at photos of dogs.  Pretty damn cute though, no?  And sincere.  That is what dogs do so well, they are sincere and direct, not an ounce of artifice in their bodies.  Now at this point, cat people might say that dogs are kinda simpletons, non-ambitious, not nearly as cool as cats are…well, write a Comment and I might take your opinion into consideration.  Back to the scotts, people are drawn to them for the same qualities, the directness and un-complicatedness.  Unlike rogers.

I think I have driven around in supermarket cart type circles quite long enough for one Post.  If you are a new Reader, check some of the featured Posts or even the Archived Posts (In the “Read ’em and Sleep” pulldown, over to the right there, under the map).  That’s the whole magilla, Wakefield Doctrine-wise.

Given how all over the waterfront this Post has been, let’s just see what we come up with for a music thang…

…in keeping with the Edward Hopper on the front page…(love the painting ‘Nighthawks’, and there is something scottian about it).

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keep on pushin, straight ahead

So we succeeded with yesterday’s Post in writing in a tone that only scotts could read it…

what is written in these Posts must be lost on the other two.  Today we are writing to one of the three  today, and tho’ there is no need to say which of the three ( clark or scott or roger ), there is only one target.

A “24” themed Post? What are you talking about??!

(6:03 am) wtf!  cut it out!  you got to think this out!!…

(6:04 am) ok not stop it…sure a cool idea, write a Post in real time with the clock ‘ticking’ like in the show “24” ( …hey I don’t believe you have ever watched the show!… ) cut it out! if we are going to try this we don’t have time for asides done by virtual high school students (…virtually brilliant… ) yeah I know.

(6:07 am) god…this sucks. A good idea, I admit but why waste it with a “I thought of it and therefore I have to do it now…” jeez how about a little preparation, hey for that matter how about a little respect for a good idea, (…lol how about a little speed-typing lesson…lol) no? alright lets do a set-up, thats allowable, isn’t it?

(6:09 am) OK heres the deal today…Post written in real time…one hour (…counting the time for the coffee…and does that include spellcheck…?)

(6:10am) I was going to write about yesterdays Post. In fact you will see a clip of it at the top which is referencing the idea that I was writing to one of the the three (clarks, scotts or rogers) and the measure of the ‘sucess’ of the Post would be measured by “who” wrote a Comment.   Well, I would like to say that we have a winner

(6:13 am) hey, thats not too bad, the time thing is slowing down, I surely can finish this and get my spellcheck done and find photo….(shit, I forgot the find a photo, damn)…don’t get nervous…back to exposition for now…

(6:15 am) The Winner:  scotts….no, actually the winner is your damn writer…lol there..if you had any problem that (yes, I know you get it, clark but for the other two you gots to spell it out) the Post (yesterday) was written to appeal to the scottian Reader…this mistaken reference to the scott the center of attention, as opposed to the fact that the credit and therefore attention should be on the clark who actually wrote the fuckin thing…

(6:17 am) ( ok you need to start worrying about time…you can’t go past the 3/4 mark writing ’cause you so have to edit this thing.)  (damn what happened to Janie? I thought she was going to carry the “aside” portion of the this Post.)  And you having never seen the stupid show, you had to go and try to latch onto another “clever” hook, meanwhile you are running out of parentheses…

(6:20 am) And so while we should be spending today’s Post analyzing why yesterdays’ Post was so scottian, instead we will be trying to finish this weird-ass “24” tribute thing. Thanks glenn and Ms. AKH for your Comments ( AKH’s actually came in the Sunday Post, but I know it was prompted by the (scottian) Monday)….stop! what are you doing rambling on about yesterdays’ (…I’m back…there was an episode of the Simpsons where Homer was in a steak eating contest with some other character…before the contest starts…Homer sits at the table…really nervous and starts eating the bread at the table (Marge to seal the joke says, “stop filling up on bread”….see I can tell a joke”)

(6:25 am) Damn. Better go get some photos…and have not even thought about music…(Mr. B!!! I need you to go and get something with a “time going by too fast” theme from our youtube “partners”…and Janie…photos…think photos…I want everyone back here by 6:44 to wrap this thing up!!)

(6:38 am) damn!!! time to edit and pull this thing together!!! Mr. B?? you all set?  What do you mean, “Trust Me”,? thats kind of what got you into the minor supporting role you find yourself in, isn’t it? Fuck, there are those who would maintain that it should be the theory of clarks, scotts and barrys, (…not very catchy! lol I have the still photos!!…) Alright  lets just focus on hitting ‘Publish’ at 6:59 am, ‘people’! (…hey!! what do ‘you’  mean…’people’…)

(6:41 am) And in conclusion, we thank our scottian Readers for reacting so clearly and un-equivcalbly (…lol…the spellcheck will cost you more time than the word is worth…) for demonstrating that it is within the body of knowledge presently contained in the Wakefield Doctrine to “craft the message” to one or more of the three types, deliberately…

(6:44 am)…time to wrap this up people…!

(6:47 am) where are those ‘stills’?

(6:55 am) OK  everyone! last look and last type…thanks for your co operation in pulling off yet another tfw Post…Hey Slovenianss your Romanian brothers is in da house!!

(6:59 am) in 5…4…3… … …

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnuYhFRYbAw
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Strong of heart and true to her name

 We have a treat today, an Interview with (Friend of the Doctrine), Mel Thompson, creator of the Spatula in the Wilderness! (…cough…cough…) who has taken time out of his busy schedule to talk with us…(…I have a question!!… ) As everyone knows, the Spatula was the first blog to put the Doctrine on it’s blogroll and certainly has helped our efforts to bring the theory of clarks, scotts and rogers to the world. (…ahem…they can see me…even if you don’t… ).

After having consulted with the Progenitors and DownSprings, what we have today is (…imaginary?…define imaginary! hey this guy has a whole staff with…no, I do not intend to sit down and listen…well alright…since you ask.. )…what harm can it do?…alright Miss Sullivan, here are the questions….yes, you can leave the parentheses at your desk and come up here…(…what?, ok  I’ll stay in brackets…please…now if you will, the Readers are waiting….)
 

CSR: Hello Mr. Mel. Welcome to the Wakefield Doctrine (the theory of clarks, scotts and rogers). We appreciate your ‘coming by’ and talking to us about blogs and such things.
Mel: Thanks so much for ‘having me over’ to talk about blogs. I also would like to thank all of you for the kind words regarding the firstaversary (nice term you’ve coined with that one) of Spatula and for mentioning my blog in your post The Wakefield Doctrine (…”The Time Has Come,” the Walrus said, “To Talk of Many Things”). You’ve been extremely supportive of Spatula over the past year and I really am grateful to you and your readers for all of the visits and great comments.

CSR: So, If I may start by saying am a big fan of  Spatula in the Wilderness. Is this your first blog?
Mel: Again, thank you. This is actually not my first blog. Five years ago I started a blog which took off too quickly for my own good and I pulled the plug on it. In my naivety, I fired off an e-mail to the administrators at the Big Friendly Corporate Entity asking them to promote my blog after the first week. To my surprise, the site advertised the blog generously (more importantly, at no cost to me). I busied myself with the running of the blog and stopped composing quality posts. Live, and/or learn, I guess.

CSR: Are you working on your own there? (other than Otto and them)…and just where is there (geographically speaking)
Mel: Cue Eric Carmen’s All By Myself.  The imaginary chimp typing pool and inflatable editor aside, the blog is just me. When anything with the blog goes wrong, I’d love to be unaccountable and pass the buck, but I am responsible for the whole shebang. Geographically, I’m writing from the Southwest corner of Michigan. I live and work about 20 minutes from the lovely campus of Notre Dame University and a little over an hour East of Chicago. Saint Joseph, the lakeside  community I call home, is situated adjacent to the tough little town of Benton Harbor (the strained relationship is portrayed in Alex Kotlowitz’ book The Other Side of The River).

CSR: (I gotta ask)…Where/how do you get your ideas (lol)  We have mentioned it in the past Posts, the volume of your work is rather impressive.
Mel: Oddly enough, there is a process to writing the Spatula. I usually trundle over to the computer shortly after 5:00 in the morning and sift through headlines on The Times, The Washington Post, NPR, and maybe a few minutes of Morning Joe. Usually, I let ideas rattle around for a day, or so, unless there is some story that feels immediate. Many times, I put the topics on a whiteboard and just walk by them until something clicks.  NPR ran a story the other day about a guy who’d been run over in a cross walk and the name on his driver’s license was Lord Jesus Christ. While it would have been fun to riff on that for 500 words, I am learning not just to shoot fish in a barrel. Most days, personal pondering and my befuddlement with the world trumps anything in the news cycle, anyway.

CSR: (the Progenitor roger is working on a semi-solo project, a ‘written in installments’ novel/story thing (contributions on a rotating basis by other DownSprings and Progenitors)  and he asked me to extend an invitation to you to join in on one or more chapters or segments. I will get more info if you think you might want to join in the fun…(work in progress, I have it in the Features Column as Chronicles of roger (working title)…
Mel: I’d love to be involved with contributing to roger’s solo project and it would be a lot of fun to add pieces. ‘Looking forward to hearing the details.

CSR: You work alone?…that sounds so relaxing (relative to working with, say…Progenitors and DownSprings)…(if ever you would like to borrow one or two…just ask..)
Mel: Writing alone can be cathartic and helps clear the board if I’m extremely vexed. Having said that, I am working out a way to take on contributors this year (details to follow and invitations will be forthcoming). I would love to keep on with a pace of three to four posts per week, but I think the blog suffers a bit. It will be exciting to post quality writing by others that fits into the Spatula cannon.

CSR: Do you get much culinary related emails? From what I see out there  food is a popular topic for blog writers…
Mel: I still write often about ‘food porn’ and the industry’s push to sell unhealthy products at any cost. Those posts generate some mail and I’d like to keep going with the theme. When I started last year, the idea was to write a cooking and recipe related blog, but I squashed the idea. This was at the time when Julie Powell’s success had a Sgt. Pepper effect on blogging. Becoming a chef and writing the next food masterpiece were just a mouse click away, and there seems to be a renaissance of food writing on the internet. I respect the recipe bloggers tremendously, but it does present an unrealistic vision of the restaurant and hospitality industry. It’s a joy to see someone’s elaborately produced dish on a website, but I always want to ask if they can produce it 25 times a night exactly the same for months on end. I always refer anybody who is serious about cooking to Bill Buford’s book Heat and Anthony Boudain’s Kitchen Confidential.

CSR: One of my favorite Posts at the Spatula (which sounds awful now that I see it in print), was “Wedded Bliss” (loved your answer to the question (paraphrasing here) about favorite marriage related movies: being Burning Bed.) Did you get much mail on that one?
Mel: Wedded Bliss was one of the only times that I post-scripted a blog with a retraction the next day. My wife Lori was really ticked at the time, because I made fun of the class. When I said the line about Burning Bed and Kramer Vs. Kramer, my friend, a local morning hard rock deejay, was sitting beside me in class and afterward said “Dude, I wouldn’t have even gone there.” I squeaked out of that blog post without too much negativity and got out of the doghouse at home fairly quickly.

CSR: Speaking of real life, how is it for your friends and family in terms of support for your work…(‘clark! can you complete a single sentence without the words Doctrine or gottafinishthisPost, is often heard around my house…)
Mel: I go through the same issues at home. For instance, what led to the birth of ‘Daisy’ started with one of those conversations involving “You love your blog more than us.” Overall, though, I’ve had a lot of support from my wife and her family, my little group of friends in the community and friends from high school and college on Facebook.

CSR: Well,
thank you very much for coming by!  We are still working on the fashion center and we look forward to adding any Spatula Fashion if that is possible.
(oh!, oh! sorry, DownSpring#1 wants to know if you want a hat (for your damn head) and she says “yes, you do have to pick one of the three”)
Mel: Oh, I absolutely want a hat! The hats (I dig the #3 headwear) are great and I totally want to wear, with pride, some Wakefield Doctrine swag! I will send along shirts when they are ready mid-summer. Again, I appreciate you having me here and your questions.

CSR: Any parting advice or tips to any or the Readers out there (can translate to Slovenian if necessary) on blog writing, life, cooking or all of the above?
Mel: On blog writing, I can only repeat some good advice I got several months ago and that’s to just write often about whatever moves you on a particular day. The response from others is often surprising. Life boils down to what one of my college professors was famous for saying: “You’ll have a good day, whether you know it, or not.” Stay positive, and don’t let negativity rule your existence. Finally, as for cooking, go with medium heat. Turn the dial down and let the food cook. See you around the Doctrine!
 
Thank you Miss Sullivan, thank you Mel. We do appreciate your being round. We will be getting a shipment-lette of hats (for your damn head) and if you will email a mailing address, we will ship it off straight-away. And once we get our Fashion Center into a more ‘professional’ looking’ layout we will welcome any Spatula clothing items to put up there. (Now where did that janitor go?) Mr. B!! Our guest has a request ( …lol… ), would you mind putting down the viola and find the video. (…you had your shot at that career…hey a scottian wife is worth more than that, isn’t she?)
 
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