Wexlome to the Wakefield Doctrinos (theory of clarks, scotts and rogers….and Pythagoris)

(Photo courtesy of Alex Mouzas, friend of mine who went to Greece with a Wakefield Doctrine hat (for his damn κεφάλι) According to the email, this photo was taken somewhere in Papingo.)

No matter how clearly you remember your days in the 2nd (or First) Grade, you still can’t fit in the chairs. And the thing of it is, I defy any of you out there to swear that, that first time you got to go back to such an early grade classroom?  (and we all did, even if it was a totally different school), you didn’t try to sit in one of the now-tiny-desks.  and yet, while that experience made the scotts laugh (and actually force themselves in the desk meant for a 7 year old and the rogers stood to the side and laugh and allow themselves to be convinced to try it themselves, which delights the scotts because that provides them with the opportunity to stand up and be a giant-tall-person. (the) clarks watched and observed but didn’t  join in the fun, preferring to wait until the group, (taking the Welcome Back School Tour together as a group), has moved on to the cafeteria,  then standing in the back of the empty class for a brief moment, then walking to the front of class, (the better to be able see their younger selfs).

…hey! you want to know a secret?  There are times when I think, ‘clark!…dude!  now you’re simply taking your own personal experiences and labeling them ‘clarklike‘ and adding them to the characteristics of the worldview of the Outsider!’  But …but! there are times when I think,  ‘holy shit! all those other people can’t have had so a similar experience and subsequent reaction to (fill in the blank)… wait a gosh darn minute! they’re just pretending to…so they can laugh and stuff.’  Fortunately, I know better now and don’t worry about that kind of thing anymore. …sort of

the Wakefield Doctrine: ‘you can’t break it and you can’t get it wrong.’

yes, I am totally serious. ‘You can’t break it’ This Wakefield Doctrine is (in part)  simply a set of characteristics (of people everywhere) divided into three groups. Whats to break? you could say, “yeah but!  clarks are really the most accomplished seducers of women (and others)”  and your listeners might glance at each other to see if this was one of those ‘hey! no hating…they mean well, let them go on with this and eventually they will learn…or not’  moments or everyone will start giggling (mostly at the mental image of a clarklike Lorathio/Lorathae)…   (“hey baby, want to see my phrenology chart?“* or “why yes, that is a little spiked collar on my cat, her name is Cindazilla. want some Somalian chestnut-scented tea?”**)

as to the ‘you can’t get it wrong’… well, you can’t. Remember, ‘the Wakefield Doctrine is about you, not them’.  The reason most other home-remedy-quality personality theories don’t work is that people read about personality types and immediately try to make the people around them agree to play the parts that the theory says they should. Now, I’m not saying you can’t say things like, ‘excuse me, you’re a scott, right? can you suggest the best makeup for this plaid sports coat with torn denims over lingerie outfit I have on?…. I have a beautiful pair of barbed-wire earrings, if that helps’  or  ‘hi roger. do you think those people you always have lunch with in the cafeteria would mind if I joined you guys?’ you can  but the Doctrine will tell you about what will happen even before you try it.

enough for today. I understand there’s a whole world of people out there and, I (have come to accept), that I can’t stay here all day.

* true story …except the ‘hey baby’ part. [it is actually one of my personal goals: to learn to be able to say ‘hey baby’ to a woman (friend or otherwise) without getting a response that includes: a) giggling or 2) that look…

** I have personally known clarklike females (back in college days) for whom this line would be greeted with not the slightest hint of surprise.