Welcome to the Wakefield Doctrine (the theory of clarks, scotts and rogers)
The Title is a reference/shoutout1 to a new Reader’s Comment yesterday. Lisa Newlin writes, “I’m a Scott which is obviously the best one. I also have tunes from the Beatles going through my head…” My first reaction to any Comment (especially a Comment from a Reader who has not made a Comment before) is:
- “oh boy! a Comment!”
- “…alright, it’s finally starting..the writing of the endless Posts3 are showing a result…”
- “..oh man, what do I do now?4 how do I Reply so that they will continue to write Comments?”
“Hansel takes a slice of bread and leaves a trail of bread crumbs to follow home. However, after they are once again abandoned, the children find that birds have eaten the crumbs and they are lost in the woods. (ed note: no shit) After days of wandering, they follow a beautiful white bird to a clearing in the woods and discover a large cottage built of gingerbread and cakes, with window panes of clear sugar. Hungry and tired, the children begin to eat the rooftop of the candy house, (“…did they even knock on the door? did it occur to them that the roof was kinda critical to the structure, maybe if they were that hungry then eat a little of the siding down low? no sir…the roof or nothin!) when the door opens and a “very old woman” (“ok.. we get it, this is early 1800’s and the population was trying to recover from all the wars and plagues and such… so we understand a little of the ‘youth is supreme thing’ after all, at this stage of human civilization, if you didn’t have a husband and 3 kids by the age of 14 you would die an Old Maid… or end up trying to live by yourself in the forest… good luck with that!) emerges and lures them inside, with the promise of soft beds and delicious food. They comply, unaware that their hostess is a wicked witch who waylays children to cook and eat them.
The next morning, the witch locks Hansel in an iron cage in the garden and forces Gretel into becoming a slave. The witch feeds Hansel regularly to fatten him up, but Hansel cleverly offers a bone he found in the cage (presumably a bone from the witch’s previous captive) and the witch feels it, thinking it is his finger. Due to her blindness, (“alright enough with the stereotyping!”) she is fooled into thinking Hansel is still too thin to eat. After weeks of this, the witch grows impatient and decides to eat Hansel, “be he fat or lean.”
She prepares the oven for Hansel, but decides she is hungry enough to eat Gretel, too. She coaxes Gretel to open the oven and prods her to lean over in front of it to see if the fire is hot enough. Gretel, sensing the witch’s intent, pretends she does not understand what she means. Infuriated, the witch demonstrates, and Gretel instantly shoves the witch into the oven and slams and bolts the door shut, leaving “The ungodly witch to be burned to ashes”, with the witch screaming in pain until she dies. (“…just in case your young, impressionable children have not fallen asleep yet, be sure that they absorb the imagery… for their dreams, of course”) Gretel frees Hansel from the cage, and the pair discover a vase full of treasure and precious stones. (“…and that has nothing to do with their initial motives?”) Putting the jewels into their clothing, the children set off for home. A swan ferries them across an expanse of water, and at home they find only their father; his wife died from unknown causes. Their father had spent all his days lamenting the loss of his children, and is delighted to see them safe and sound. With the witch’s wealth, they all live happily ever after. (“…with the blood of a senior citizen, a blind senior citizen on their little hands…wealthy and happy”) (the End)”
OK…Coming tomorrow: what the Wakefield Doctrine says about these two kids. (why wait! Hansel is probably a scott and she, Gretel a roger… the poor misunderstood witch was a clark (if she didn’t really want to eat the kids) if she did, then she was a scott. lol)
1) sure, I haven’t groused in a slightly irascible, but lovable2 and charming way for quite a few Posts… I’m due
2) nah, old scotts can do irascible and rogers do ‘charming’… old clarks, they manage to manifest the emotion of ‘good-natured’ bemusement in a way that appeals to: 5 year old children (who instinctively check to make sure their parents aren’t setting this up, for their benefit) and 15 year girls, who are enduring the trauma of their first romantic breakup
3) apprx 761 at the last count, but who’s counting?5
4) sorry gratuitous rhetorical question…the ‘hook’ of this Post is beginning to lose focus, like a TV from the 1960’s with the aluminum foil on the antenna that somehow actually improved reception,
5) Wordpress says that I have done 671 Posts since I started this blog
6) actually way more than ‘a lot’ try:
“…A typical four-square-mile patch of rainforest contains as many as 1,500 flowering plants, 750 species of trees, 400 species of birds and 150 species of butterflies…”
(http://www.nature.org/ourinitiatives/urgentissues/rainforests/rainforests-facts.xml )
About clarkscottroger
We have no power today and am a bit out of sorts commenting on my phone. So I am truly not sure what to say here except I haven’t thought of this fairy tale in years, but leave it to you to use this to demonstrate a point with the doctrine!! Seriously can’t wait to see where you are going with this tomorrow!!
@Janine
aiiyeee! no power…what the hell (oh! I’m sorry I see that you are using your phone): “SORRY TO HEAR THAT YOU HAVE NO POWER…AIIYEEE!”
Clark it never ceases to amaze me what you come up with on this blog! Thanks for bringing back a few memories of this story…wow, it’s been a while. And I cannot wait to see what happens tomorrow – especially the part about the witch being a Clark….fun!