Welcome to the Wakefield Doctrine (the theory of clarks, scotts and rogers)
This is the Six Sentence Story bloghop.
Denise hosts it, each and every week, inviting one and all join in.
All she asks is that the story you would submit be comprised of six sentences (not five or twenty-five) only.
This week’s prompt word:
ETERNAL
His eyes opened as deliberate and slowly as an ocean tide, his mind, despite the manacles of age and illness, knitted the irregularities of illumination into a hospital room; centering all was the technology at his bedside, offering its assessments on a computer-driven schedule, blue indicator lights gave off the indifferent cruelty available only to gods and psychopathic personalities, a quality reserved for the eternal and the heartless.
The silent pulse of the heart monitor stuttered and the hall outside the room grew brighter, he felt a thudding in his chest and a synchronous roar in his ears; his thoughts sharpened in surprise at the decidedly visceral character of what he suspected was his shuffling off the mortal coil.
Then two things happened: first, he heard the ‘ckk-chuff-shish’ sound of feet scuffing on ground covered in pine needles, looking down he saw they were his feet and the second thing was he realized that he just looked down at the ground.
A Cheshire-smile floated briefly at the memories of the life of an inveterate dreamer, making his decision most unsurprising; he closed his eyes on the cold blue lights dying into a demanding red and, following the scent of pine sap and spring, looked around the wooded afternoon.
At the end of the path of dry-brown pine needles, a lawn mower sat at the edge of a freshly-cut lawn, approaching the open area he was greeted by the sound of a dog barking with the unfettered joy only dogs are capable of producing when reunited with their humans.
A bright light flashed from a dense grove of trees to his left; the man hurried to meet the dog, leaving the technology to provide an explanation that would satisfy the third shift nurses.
About clarkscottroger
It was so easy to visualize these scenes and even to apply names to the person and the dog. So real and I imagine an emotional SSS to write.
Thanks, Pat. (My thumbnail was surely, in part or in whole, a giveaway to part of the story)
Very nicely done. One can hope that the transition is as calm and joyful for all who make that journey.
Really
I’m amazed at your beautiful sentences.
Thanks, R
Wow. Just wow. Beginning to end. Beautiful. Extremely vivid descriptors. I was watching it all as if shown by a movie projector.
and…based on a real lawn mower.
well, you had me at Diana Krall, but the poetry of your prose is profound. Love it.
Thanks, man (yeah plus an example of a cover being better (imo) than the original)
You make death sound so inviting.
Intended more for the (not) so terrible/horrible/regretable*
*emphasis on the root words: terror, horror, regret
Definitely a wonderful image of heaven – hello Ola
yeah, the best of doggies
Bam. That hit all the right the spots. The “Then two things happened…” line caused a sharp intake of breath. Your story has a cinematic feel, a montage of key images set to a stirring song in a powerful moment of the film. The closing line seals it nicely as life (and death) must goes on. Bravo!
Thanks. In the interest of combining pleasure with learning* let me throw out a question. I do, in fact, go for ‘the visual’ when writing. The ambition is to have the reader see and hear and smell and otherwise experience the scene. Now, in this context, Six Sentence Stories, no issues. My question is, what, in your opinion** are the risks of trying to do this for a story, a regular, short story/novella/novel type story. I’m sensing a risk to the overall narrative of the story… or something.
Anyway, thanks for the Commentation.
* bonus points for the amusing inference
** any other readers, reading this comment are invited to reply as well, I totally appreciate any input
Like you, when setting a scene in a bigger story, I try and incorporate the senses: what does it taste, sound, look, smell like, the sensation to the fingertips. I think the only risk is maybe over-egging it, and not leaving any blanks for the reader to imagine. More hints than a full description. Interject sensations between a line of character dialogue, so it fits into the movement without having to stand alone.
It’s a really good question you pose…
*and still thinking* :)
I like what you said about ‘leaving blanks for the reader to imagine’. Early in my efforts to learn to write good, a friend said, ‘Trust the reader’ …to understand what’s going on. Good advice. I have a tendency to think more is more when it comes to information in a story.
For me, writers block, has nothing to do with the lack of ideas, or even words. It is allowing the inner critic to speak (in my head)… ‘wtf! that ain’t a story…. good read… that’s how stories are written and its nowhere near what you’re doing.’
So, my strategy is usually to write about the story or the characters, until the voice gets bored with my writing and decides to remind my how socially-inept I am instead. I can usually get back on track. Usually by giving myself permission to write something that is simply, really bad writing. Takes the pressure off.
Thanks for the writing talk… helps
Well said. For me, I love it when the characters take over and write their own script, and I am reduced to a chronicler, telling their tales however they want. It’s surprising when this happens, a joy.
I love writing so much, and the SSS is a gem to be part of because of the wealth of creativity from the participants. Just talking about writing is a shot in the arm. And no such thing as bad writing.due to its subjectivity. All hail us, long may we continue! We are kings and queens of the written word.
I had that experience once (a re-telling of the Wizard of Oz (actually more as a sequel)). Even more amazing was that I wrote it a chapter a week, totally on faith that the characters would let me know what happens next.
(the really cool thing when this happens. you end up finding connections later in the story that you are sure you did not put in the story for that purpose…)
The Six Sentence Story serves as a constant reminder that I’ll always have a story for a Six, provided I don’t worry about how good it is. lol
And it is very cool to be able to create worlds (and people and such)…which in the context of the predominantly non-physical world of the blogosphere is like they live in the house next door.
or something lol
Beautiful, Clark. May it be such a peaceful passing for us all.
I know, right?
Transforming the reader to fit the shoes of the character takes great effort and you surely put it all in.
Thank you, Lisa