Guest Post Thursday’s Guest Post! the Wakefield Doctrine “this week we have a scott, but we didn’t need to tell you that, did we?”

Welcome to the Wakefield Doctrine (the theory of clarks, scotts and rogers)

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Our Thursday Guest Post Series continues, today, Thursday with a guest written Post by our scottian guest writer, Dyanne.

You know what I like about scotts? (Mostly), it’s how I feel afterwards. …after hanging out, or chatting on ‘the Facebook’ or talking on the phone, or being in a class with them.  It’s a subtle, only-slightly ambiguous, good feeling, that can be described as (the) satisfaction of recognizing in myself a certain… strength. Like really great hardwood floors underneath worn carpeting in a semi-old house, most clarks find pride in those moments best characterized as, ‘well, that didn’t go too badly…why did everyone seem so nervous, almost intimidated?’

As Readers of the Wakefield Doctrine, you all know scotts. They are nearly impossible to ignore, often barely tolerated and frequently embraced, in the spirit of (a lifelong) friendship and/or (midnight encounter) passion. Natural leaders, enthusiastic lovers, loyal friends, fearsome opponents, scotts demonstrate the best/worst approach to problem-solving and enjoying life on a day-to-day basis.

Dyanne writes a blog, ‘Backsies Is What There Is Not’ and I met her as one of the hosts of the TToT and, interestingly, she is one of the first scotts to join us on the Friday night vidchat.   In any event, Dyanne hails from one of the flat, tornado-philic states in the mid-section of the country, and she is every bit as: fun, surprising, shocking, protective-of-small-lifeforms, funny, aggravating and never… well, nearly-100% never boring.

 

...Dyanne?

Hot off the press. Keyboard is still smoking.

 

Apparently, I can be aggravating and exhausting, or so says dearest Clark in his tease for this week’s Wakefield Doctrine guest post. Probably one of the reasons he has stated this is because it is Wednesday afternoon, and I still have not graced his in-box with my post. 

And the reason I am so delinquent in sending Clark my guest post? It’s twofold: one, because I am kind of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl and two, because I have NO IDEA WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT. That was not the case at about 1 a.m. today, when I couldn’t sleep and blog ideas by the dozen were floating through my head. When am I going to learn that I should write this stuff down ALWAYS? My brain is so full of completely useless information (like all the lyrics to the Christmas musical from when I was in 6th grade) that there’s no room for important stuff anymore.

Case in point, especially suited to Clark’s Y chromosome (not): today, I had an appointment at my ob/gyn’s office for an ultrasound of my ovaries (jealous, aren’t you?). This was not my original appointment for this procedure. No, that was supposed to be some time in May.  Which I found out when I called the office last week to ask when the appointment was, because I knew it was coming up but had failed to note it on both my calendar on my phone AND the one hanging in the kitchen (the GINORMOUS office-sized kind). May. In May. Came and went, what do you know? The office was very gracious about it and scheduled me for today, Wednesday, ultrasound at Dr. Lacey’s office day. Was today a convenient day for it? No. Was I going to tell them after missing the last appointment? No.

(I would like to pause right here to tell you that two years ago, I showed up at this same office and stood in front of this same receptionist, announcing to her that I was there for my appointment, only to be told I was exactly one month early.)

I would like to say this was the most awkward part of the whole affair, the humiliation of completely missing an appointment and having to reschedule, the slinking into the office this morning, up to the receptionist’s window, her verifying that I was there on the right day at the right time.

It was not.

I sat in the waiting room, surrounded by young women with varying degrees of baby bumpitis. Most had a husband in attendance. One even had future grandparents. They would return to the waiting room from their ultrasound, accompanying family members in tow, waving a strip of ultrasound images of their babies. It was sweet.

Then the only patient in the waiting room who wasn’t pregnant got called back (YES, me). The ultrasound technician told me to take off everything from my waist down.

Uh, what? 

Some of you ladies who are reading this probably know where this is going. Because this wasn’t the kind of ultrasound like they do on your big ol’ pregnant belly (or on your fibrocystic boobies, either, for that matter), where a warm, jelly-like substance is squeezed on you and the technician slides the ultrasound gizmo through it while looking at the image on a little screen and taking measurements and such.

This one takes place up your vajay-jay. YES, I WENT THERE. An instrument akin to a curling iron in size and shape and SHEATHED IN A CONDOM, I KID YOU NOT, is used. (Note: ultrasound technicians are apparently NOT amused if you ask if you should smoke after this procedure.) And, since this is usually a lovely experience where a woman gets to view her developing baby, the image is also displayed on a big screen tv monitor that is mounted on the wall. But instead of a baby picture, maybe sucking its thumb, maybe kicking its feet, I got…

Ovaries.

The good news is they are healthy. So healthy that the doctor felt if my oncologist were to stop my monthly Zolodex injections (designed to stop my ovaries from producing estrogen, which is most unhealthy for my estrogen-fed breast cancer), my ovaries would probably fire right back up and start popping out eggs like Christine‘s chickens. So three more years of injections, minimum. Wheee.

 

All was not lost, however. Because I, too, left the office with a shiny strip of ultrasound images, which are now displayed on our refrigerator door:

 

Left ovary.

 

Right ovary.

 

Okay, Clark, you said I could write about anything. I think this covers it. Thank you for the opportunity to rattle your Y chromosome!

photo-3

Backsies Is What There Is Not’ (I couldn’t lift an icon from her blog, this will have to do.)

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clarkscottroger About clarkscottroger
Well, what exactly do you want to know? Whether I am a clark or a scott or roger? If you have to ask, then you need to keep reading the Posts for two reasons: a)to get a clear enough understanding to be able to make the determination of which type I am and 2) to realize that by definition I am all three.* *which is true for you as well, all three...but mostly one

Comments

  1. Frist! jeany reading shortly hi Dyanne!

  2. That was funny, wonderful and beautiful, just like YOU, Dyanne! I laughed and understood because I too have been there! Thanks for the reminder to get a doctor appointment too as well.

    I am so honored to know you!
    A great post! xox jean ! :)

    • dyannedillon says:

      Hi, Jean! Don’t you love the picture of my bouncing baby ovaries? Don’t you love that Clark has a picture of ovaries on his blog now?

      • jny_jeanpretty says:

        Yes Dyanne! I love everything about this and am smiling all over again! xox jean
        You are a fantastic person! So proud to know you! :)

  3. Katia says:

    Oh, I’m so familiar with that state of your brain furiously producing ideas at 1 a.m. only to be completely depleted by the time you sit down to actually write. Glad your ovaries are ok! Did not expect to see that on Clark’s blog! Gotta love a Scott! :-D

  4. Hahahhahahahahahaha omg you went there. And took pictures! Please tell me this is your 2014 Holiday Card photo!
    This is awesome. I guess this concluded guest.posting at the doctrine?? Until someone has a colonoscopy.
    P.S. Your twins look adorable! Congrats to you, Lefty, Righty and the whole family! Hahahah I can’t stop laughing hahahaha

    • lrconsiderer says:

      I don’t know if I’m giggling more at Joy, or the fact that you busted RIGHT THROUGH Clark’s comfort zone, without so much as a ‘by your leave’ and wrote an entire post about dildo-cam…

      o.O

      Hat’s off to you, lady :D

    • Ahh, hell. I had a colonoscopy two years ago. Why didn’t I get pictures? Oh, yeah, because the doctor was an ass (no pun intended). I swear I didn’t start out with the intention of bashing right through Clark’s comfort zone, but, well, ovaries. Would you like to know how they specifically get images of the left one and the right one? Hmmmm?

      • clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

        not to worry… my comfort zone is still totally …intactus.

        that is the other thing that I appreciate about your writing the Post today!

        the short(er) form is: when I started out with the Guest Post idea, none of the old(er) Downsprings really believed I could do it. ‘It’ being, invite people to write a Post at the Wakefield Doctrine and let them write whatever they please… more specifically, not meddle/edit/influence or otherwise interfere with my guests idea for a Post. that is the obvious challenge, the less obvious, but way more ambitious goal I set, was to be comfortable with whatever happened on Thursday… relax and enjoy it (which, while natural for a scott is nearly impossible for a clark to do… and that, that is the Wakefield Doctrine at work!)

        …so seriously, thank you for today’s Post. I’m feeling even more hardwood old floor than I alluded to in the intro!

        lol (floor… I said floor)

  5. Sarah says:

    Wonderful, Dyanne! Wonderful news and a wonderful post! I’m glad you went there.

  6. Kristi says:

    Congrats (?) on the healthy ovaries. Sorry about the injections. You seem to have reduced Clark to nervous laughter.

  7. clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

    (… more bemused/amused laughter… Kristi the thing was, I wasn’t sure how to convey that, the sense of, ‘well, my …this is certainly turning out to be a surprise’… maybe I should have used ‘the italics’ for more of the eyebrow-laughter that ensued).

    For the record, I do thank Dyanne for today’s Guest Post Thursday’s Guest Post… I appreciate her giving of the time and I enjoyed it quite a bit… for a number of different reasons… (no! a clark with a multiple layer response to a single… who would have thought!) lol and that is one of the two ways I enjoyed Dyanne’s Post today. I’m willing to bet that most of the Readers laughed when I said I had a couple of reasons to enjoy the post… and maybe even were thinking, ‘that clark! he is such a clark!’
    exactly… to see the thing that ties us all to this place, the Doctrine, so well illustrated that we know how the other person is going to react! usually you need to be friends with a person for years before you know them well enough to know their reaction to a given situation, but here, with my overly analytical response… such a clark I am!

    lol

    the other reason is actually pretty interesting, but I need to go feed Una, I promise to come back to further the expression of my appreciation for today’s Guest Post.

    • dyannedillon says:

      Thanks, Kristi! I lurrrve that the content of my post caught Clark by surprise!

  8. Denise says:

    Dyanne! You are a ball busting scott! Thanks for writing a guest post! Never a dull moment lol
    I’m glad that you are healthy and that you are the proud owner of not 1 but 2 healthy ovaries!

    • dyannedillon says:

      Thanks, Denise! Left and right, both healthy. Hopefully, some day Clark will forgive me for sharing that information!

  9. kborman says:

    This is hilarious, and I know exactly that kind of ultrasound all too well (ovarian cysts like to be my friend). And really, I can’t think of a better way to invade Clark’s inbox and blog. It’s very Dyanne-esque: funny add always, but adding that element of surprise is key. Thanks for saying vajay-jay on Clark’s blog.

    • jny_jeanpretty says:

      Clark’s inbox! very funny kborman! hello from jeh

    • dyannedillon says:

      Ahh, Kate, then you know the jab, don’t you? I hope Clark gets hits from people who Google “vajay-jay”. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

  10. zoebyrd says:

    Yahoo healthy eggies…boo effing injections
    Hoopla right appt time….boo dildo cam
    yeah technology….boo differentiating left and right is a bitch
    hoot hardwood. …..floors….yeah thats it….floors

    Nice post Dyanne!!!! I have similar shots of my empty gut…I like Joys xmas photo idea!!!! Its pretty amazing that humorless ultrasound techs are a universal anomaly.

    • dyannedillon says:

      Hardwood floors. That’s right. Floors.
      For the record, I did NOT coin “dildo cam,” but I really like it.

  11. Hahah…amusing post. I think I blushed a couple times. :) Heheh.
    Funny and definitely caught my attention.

    • dyannedillon says:

      Well, thanks! Imma guessing Clark may have blushed a bit, too.

      • Denise says:

        I dont’ know about that one Dyanne lol but you raise an interesting question: What makes a clark “blush”?
        See! There’s that ole represent/manifest thing again…in the worldviews. I never tire of this shit. But then, I’m a clark!

        Happy weekend everyone!

    • clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

      Cyndi

      … we can all* relate!

      *clarks with scottian friends lol

  12. That.was.awesome. :)

  13. I am a HUGE fan of TMI, so of course this post spoke to me! Oh, and I am a woman. And I have had the curling iron wrapped in a condom up my Virginia too. (I call it that!) BUT- I have not had breast cancer, my sister does. I did have the BRCA1 genetic mutation, so I did have preventative surgeries. So in a small non-important way, I can relate.

    I also forgot my daughter’s ENT appointment this past week. So yeah. I can relate to that too! LOL

    • dyannedillon says:

      If you read my very first six months of blog posting, you will see what a fan of TMI I really am! Glad to know we have so very, very much in common, Chris!

  14. This was fabulous – way TMI, but I would have totally gone there as well. Having “been there, done that” on this topic, I am so jealous that you thought to get the images to go and hung them on the fridge. I so did not do that. Totally should have. You rock!

    • dyannedillon says:

      Thanks, Lisa! Yeah, I’m so glad I told the technician that I wanted to leave with pictures, too. My son is especially thrilled to see those pictures on our fridge!

  15. Just when I thought I had endured all possible indignities in this department…..a curling iron wearing a condom. Allrightythen!