Welcome the Wakefield Doctrine (the theory of clarks, scotts and rogers)
(Astute Doctrine Readers will note the presence of the secondary scottian aspect manifesting in then use of ‘hey!’ in the subtitle of today’s Post. Very good!)
So about us fuckin clarks. Could we be more: self-restraining(not in the fun way), self-defeating(which wouldn’t be the worst thing, but we don’t quite truly ever completely give up), self-sabotaging (sure we have the perfect plan and, if all fails, I’ll give it a half-hearted effort), self-conscious (is there any other way, living in our heads as we all do?). No. No we cannot!
Now, before we all get into that (really) disturbing (only in reflection) self-assessment where we admit to all our faults, mistaking our statement of recognized faults as being an honest, well-meaning and productive owning up to things that we do badly, albeit un-intentionally.
Let me say this: it’s all about fear and being the Outsider. (as clarks), we fear being recognized as Outsiders and pointed at and made fun of by the crowd of people who make up our day to day lives. But, like an alcoholic who, as they approach the point of realizing that they cannot do it themselves, still insist that whatever help is available be done discreetly, lest everyone finds out that they are getting help… unable to see that everyone knew all along.
clarks go through their (our) (my) day, with the baseline goal of avoiding detection by the ‘real’ people, in the hope that by observing and watching, we can learn to be like everyone else. clarks go through their (our) (my) day, believing that we can ‘pass’, blend in and not stand out and, by doing so, have time to practice what we are sure is totally normal behavior for a person of my age/stature/profession/worldview. Until, that is, I am called out… out of my head, where I live. All the time, nearly. And what calls me out is confrontation. Not, ‘hey! fuck you buddy! you cut me off…what the hell‘ confrontation, (at least not, necessarily). Sometimes it’s simply…wait, you want to hear an actual example of what I am talking about?
so yesterday, I was wasting some time on ‘the Facebook’. I went to this posting (or wall or whatever you call when a person posts things in a certain vein or theme), and there was some kind of rant, about the world (I know! imagine that!), however I was in the mood, so I wrote something semi-clever as a Comment in which I mentioned one of the previous Commentors, complimenting his insight and building on that. Fine, then I went back to work. Came back a couple of hours later and I see that someone (not the person who posts things, another Reader) has followed my Comment and he’s all up in my face with how ‘I’m totally wrong and he never said anything like that all and how I’m ‘just because you have a blog you think you are better than us and a know it all and you are not, you are just a want to be’ (etc etc). I am a clark. My first reaction was ‘my head swelled up and my face fell’* I am a clark. I felt awful. I felt that everyone (the other Commentors), somehow were staring… dis- approving, liking… dis- something me. Did I say I felt bad? I laughed (as clarks have the gift of/the curse of) at how …scared and bothered and embarrassed I felt. Me! in my home, totally anonymous and, because of this undeniable beginning-confrontation, I felt very bad. I laughed as I thought, ‘jeez, what a clark!’ So I replied to my ….’critic’ and said, ” Yes, I am, indeed, ‘a want to be’ lol” got up and tried to walk it off. (Seriously! I think only you clarks out there will recognize this part of the story). I was shaken by the encounter. I have stood on the deck of a fishing boat in 20 foot seas at night and smiled. I have stood by my dog, Ola, as the professionals told us that she would not live and I projected peace and calmness to her. I have been in emergency rooms with live threatening bad things happening and have managed to make jokes about ‘informed consent’ and yet, and yet! yesterday afternoon, because someone made it clear that I was causing a problem in the virtual (as in not real) world, my stomach was in knots.
…who wants to be a clark? (Anyone raising your hand at this time, listen up. Tomorrow, sometime in the day, I would like to do a ‘clark only’ vidchat… strictly for peers let me know in the comments)
Oh, the ‘ending’ of the story? I went back that wall I was commenting and the person whose wall it was, had deleted this other person, wiped out all of his comments and wrote that ‘his wall was for adults and would not tolerate stupid’ (or words to that effect). lol
…but I am still a clark. The lesson that was brought home to me yesterday, as it has countless times before and the ‘lesson of the lesson’, is that I need to see myself in such a way that will allow me to know that I am not really hiding anything from the world and they don’t all laugh (at least most of the time) and it is alright for me to get into confrontations without having to wonder if I will be marked as ‘the Outsider’ and lose my chance to be real, forever.
ya know?
* an expression we owe to the Progenitor roger, who is clever like that with language and, with those kinds of ‘turns of phrases’ almost redeems the behavior of his people.
About clarkscottroger
I find this extremely touching and I understand it. I used to go in the old AOL chat rooms, under different names, but everyone knew it was always me because I would make up these fun profiles. One person in my fave room once made me cry. When I said (cannot recall why, but I was proud) , “I have 5 children”, he told me I had no right to have five children. That I was ruining the world by procreating too much.
I was shocked and horrified and actually burst into tears. Keep in mind I was a lot younger. I ran sobbing to Jim.
Jim explained to me that it was OK and it wasn’t about me. The guy was just a dick being a dick.
Just as this “flamer” was not about you. Your flamer or troll was waiting for anyone…to bash.
And you just got in the line of fire by accident.
Hey! :)
I didn’t have 5 kids by accident (well maybe a few of them but we won’t get into that!), but I was there, for this person to attack, because HE had problems of HIS own.
Now when I go online and I see a person attacking another person in a group on The FaceBook, I can recognize what is happening,
If necessary, for example in a group of people who are very vulnerable and are sharing their deepest feelings, I then call the person out. I single out that person’s comment and I show it in the light for what it is,
I tell them that what they are doing is wrong, and that if they do it again,
I will “report them to the administrators of the group”.
This actually works! I don’t know the administrators personally, but it works. The creeps go elsewhere.
I get similar probs occasionally on Amazon due to my reviews, but everyone who reviews knows that there are jealous people who are going to dislike you if you are a popular reviewer.
The last woman who said something negative about something I was involved in, I killed with kindness. That was so hard for me as I like to fight!!! BUT THAT WORKS TOO! ONLY DON’T WASTE YOUR precious time for the most part with these loser jerks. You are better than that.
Any time you like, by the way, I shall come over and bop anyone you choose. I do that for my friends. Just call. I am there! It would be my pleasure, clark.
xox jenh
Jean
thank you for the offer to bob the person of my choice, I will keep a list, but for now, I’m good.
The Doctrine is a funny thing, especially the ‘everyone does everything at one time or another’ rule. And the thing I really like about the Doctrine (in the context that these Comments are framed) is that, using the perspective of the Wakefield Doctrine, a new insight is available in every situation… hell, three new insights (depending on the person at the center and then, depending if I am observing)… a lot of stuff to learn and such. no, seriously! hearing your experience with what is (essentially the same experience) shows me show something and the Doctrine allows me to see this as the way it would be in a different reality (one of three, of course). That is the magic of this thing, we don’t have to be distracted or otherwise deprived of taking a lesson from another’s experience just because, “well, now thats different! you’re aggressive and confident (or what ever quality we might assign to the individual), it’s different for me, I can’t identify”…. we can because I know that the stories and experiences being offered by Readers today are experiences irrespective of the individual.
thank you
…old Bob Dylan or cool BobDylan? lol
Me being a fellow clark, my stomach would be in knots, too. My only consolation in moments like these is that the internet DOES allow for some anonymity: as in, this was the virtual world and that person doesn’t know you, and being a clark, doesn’t understand you. I’ve had to tell this to myself so many times, you’d think it’d be drilled into my brain. but no, each and every time a conflict arises, I feel like someone punches me with a different fist, and leaves a different bruise, so that I, bruised and misunderstood, have to trudge through life nursing myself back to my happy-go-lucky self.
In that sense, being a clark is probably the hardest personality to have. We so often go through life quite wounded.
But, we each other’s back. Because we clarks understand.
Those who would go attack others? Roger. How dare we challenge their notion of what everythign should be like. Good grief.
Good grief is right. This world cannot exist without our tender point of view. And it’s just as valid as everything else.
HUGS
Cyndi
Thank you and I totally agree…being a clark allows one to know what the other is going through, and while the other two types don’t look at this as such a big deal, for us it is… hell! we barely know how to express some of the things that go on within us and the really critical stuff (the way core stuff) we barely tell ourselves! lol and have clarklike peers is never going to be “oh! hey! you’re right! I don’t feel that way any more, I feel better now” but, for me at least, I watch (as all clarks do) and see you or Lizzi or Denise or zoe or any of the other clarks and I see you go through similar things and I take heart.
the key issue about this event is the aversion to conflict (which of course is rooted in our core fear of being identified as the Outsider that we are)…. this is not a rational thing, we ‘know’ better but as you say,
” I’ve had to tell this to myself so many times, you’d think it’d be drilled into my brain. but no, each and every time a conflict arises, I feel like someone punches me with a different fist, and leaves a different bruise,…”
it is this not remembering that we are always forgetting the lessons we learn, keeping us always not believing ourselves… or something like that.
Ya know, now that you mention it, you’re absolutely right: the aversion to conflict IS rooted in our core fear of being “discovered.”
I kept thinking about “conflict” yesterday. Because you’re also right in that if I’m in the “mood” and someone pisses me off, all bets are off and I’m in their face. And in that moment, adrenaline pumping, I don’t care what happens. I’m in the moment – it’s only that person and me. No past, no future. Just now.
Even in the aftermath of me “being in the mood” to confront conflict like that, I don’t have the same wounded feelings as someone who catches me off guard.
And when they catch you off guard? It really is traumatic. It’s like the difference between wielding a shield, and forgetting to pick it up. If you’re shielded (as in, “in the mood”) you’re protected. Your psyche is ready for attack. You can fend off blows easily.
But when you’re not shielded? It’s like someone takes a javelin and knocks you off your horse, the wind is knocked off of you and you lay there on the ground hoping they don’t double back and trounce all over you…because they could.
And I remember those punctuated events. Like the time when another teacher, my first year teaching, YELLED at me in front of several students, called me names, called me disrespectful and TOTALLY mis-read and mis-understood me. I was completely distraught for DAYS. Even husby was like, “why are you so sensitive?!? It’s not that bad what happened, but you’ve let it affect you so!”
I just looked at him, speechless, because as a male clark, I swear he can conjure up a shield when he’s not protected that’s at least going to offer some flimsy protection. Me? No. That doesn’t happen. Those people out there. They pierce my heart and it frickin’ bleeds until it’s dry. Only when it’s dry do I even start to try to fix things.
^^^ What a response, huh? I thought about putting it into a blog post. :D But, that would mean I need to respond to comments and visit other blogs – and while I LOVE that, I just don’t have time. :P
Anyways, I am not entirely sure if I’ll be able to call in this afternoon: I’ve had a cold and now I’ve gone and lost my voice. I am trying to “save” it for a couple hours of teaching today, but I’ve already cancelled a meeting with a friend, and my Spanish class this evening. I may not have anything left to call in this p.m. *sorry* If, by some miracle, I DO have a voice, I will call.
If not, I’ll just come home, plop down and try to do some coursework before nodding off for a nap…
Have a good day. Talk soon!
Cyndi
I totally agree and will discuss your points in more detail (after, I am a clark) but for new Readers: you want to see a clark and a scott in contrast? (and, as Cyndi has alluded to, we have all the elements in potential but our first response or reality is one and only one) but let me allow Robert DiNero explain… please don’t turn off vid early, the whole thing is done explained starting at 1:35
To misquote Sally Field;” You don’t like me! You really, really don’t like me!!”
Agreed, Ms. Pretty- touching and kind of sad. If only clarks could realize how to just go a little further forward and presume their inclusion in any situation- then, they would realize that it’s not necessarily greener over there. Sometimes, being in a herd is a total pain in the ass, and they were better off where they were. But it should be their choice, their perogative to choose at all times. And scotts aren’t necessarily just in it for the immediate gratification, and rogers sometimes do redeem themselves.
you are sort of cool. the ending of that sounded like a Bob Dylan song! :)
the roger
(hey! I guess I did get in a little…just a little bit of a dig to your people at the end of the Post…. but I do give proper credit where credit is due!)
as to the rest of your Comment, the only real disagreement I have is with “If only clarks could realize how to just go a little further forward and presume their inclusion in any situation” it is not, for clarks, a question of continuation of effort or perseverance in the approach to a place of acceptance, that place simply is not within the worldview of the clark. Now, with the influence of the secondary and tertiary aspects, it is seen that an individual (clark) can see where they would hope to be, but even that is a misnomer… it is not about where we are, it is about who we are ( to be more Doctrine correct, ‘it is about how we relate ourselves to the world around us’)
I totally get this–I got a negative comment on my blog once and I obsessed over it for a week, sure that I should give up blogging. It’s hard for me to let little criticisms go and convince myself that others aren’t out there agreeing (and laughing) with my critics!
Kimberly
very identify with, your statement, “…convince myself that others aren’t out there agreeing (and laughing) with my critics!”
thanks for the commentation!
I will address all three Comments here ( ..and yeah, we all know that I’ll still go and answer everyone individually)
I totally want to say how much I appreciate the sentiments in all the extant* Comments.
There is much to say individually… (and if anyone is surprised that there are 3 different ‘issues’ offered by the 3 Commentors…. then you need to read the Doctrine a little more), but I want to thank everyone for the kindly thoughts…no matter how clarklike my initial (meaning later today) response may read.
* why no! I’m not being passivio-agreeso-intellectual! I happen to like that word!**
** lol
This was a really well done post , Clark…not too intellectualized! You still working on that Roger?
I feel this way all the time and I think I feel worse since I have forced myself to change my lack of confrontation… but I am assuming this will change with time and I will stop feeling bad for confronting things now… the mild skirmish we had a while back made me heart sick and that was nothing! I so understand where youre at with this and feel for you. If you find yourself at risk of repeat passivio-agreeso-intellectual activity in order to respond… you can skip it if you want but I will warn you that avoidance makes the feeling stronger!
oh is that una as a puppy? so fluffy!
very
Haters gonna hate.
As they say. Which is all very well until it’s aimed at you, and oh the REPLAY. The frikkin REPLAY is what kills me – over and over and over and over and over and over until it’s all I can think of, all day – not even the “Oh, I should’ve said that!” but the “I was a dick. I was a dick. I was a dick….” aaaaaaaaaalllllllll day,
And the rejection, even a little bit (particularly from someone ‘Not Real’ who you nonetheless have found you care about)…ouch.
Made me run away to Real People, that did. But not before I wanted to DELETE IT ALL.
We’re good at annihilation, I think. Or at least the conceiving of it. When things go wrong, we might as well just nuke the whole thing.
Which worries me a little, as I feel distance-d. By someone I don’t particularly want to lose…
Blech.
Lizzi
we are the only one (of the three) that it occurs to to annihilate/delete because we are Outsiders (meaning that we can see the herds and see the packs, they, the rogers and the scotts believe that all they see is all and therefore do not see the herd or the pack and therefore do not (normally) conceive of the ‘not’
for me, this was a reminder of the key concept which is how do I feel about being an Outsider (relative to the world)…or as we say, ‘how do I relate myself to the world around me’…. as the Outsider but there is a secret false/bad connection between whatever part of our selves that contains ‘the emotional’ aka our rogerian aspects and it is that bad connection, that emotional content that makes experiences like we’re talking about so very terrible for us.
I am glad that I know you and the other self-aware clarks, because as long as we don’t all hit the same phase at the same time (ayiieee! lol) then, as I descend into the abyss (for the nine fuckin millionth time) I can look and know that there are clarks out there (at the moment) not in the bad place. And this is how it must be for clarks…. we cannot be told this thing (and it’s awfully cool that as I talk to clarks about this, they, none of them, show the slightest inclination to go ‘hey! you shouldn’t feel like that because…’) But I can ‘witness’ that other clarks are in a good place at the moment and know that, since they have been in virtually the same horrifyingly toxic bad place that I might be headed to, they made it out… there is something to that, not hope per se… maybe it’s just having the alternative. Because the power of the abyss for clarks is found in the non-arguable nature of it’s reasoning (which we suspect is not reason but emotion…just fucked up and disguised and such) so to witness another clark is not to try to directly argue with the dark side (which, by definition, is impossible) but we see a hint of non-inevitablity in the other clarks
ya know?
In two weeks time, you’ll be fourteen days past this…
lol
See? I pay attention.
“we are the only one (of the three) that it occurs to to annihilate/delete”
I want to thank the person who was responsible for sending you to the dark place, the “bad” place. Otherwise you would not have written this post and these comments would not be here…..your response to Lizzi……would not be here to spell it out for us clarks. For the ones who had not yet put words to the “fucked up feelings”.
There isn’t a clark on the planet who would not find your words resonating somewhere in their heads. For me, it is huge to read that which I often have trouble translating into words. ….because I’m a clark who lives inside her damn head! But what you say is all true. Lizzi’s phrasing …”nuke the whole thing”….yeah. I feel like that sometimes:)