a chart providing the average shelf-life of ideas for Posts* …..the Wakefield Doctrine ( happy scottian Holiday!)

Welcome to the Wakefield Doctrine ( the personality theory that you can learn, understand and use today!! )

childhood memories involving  learning to become a better person:   …………………………… 6 hours
childhood memories involving learning bad habits and behavior:      ……………………………  3 days
childhood memories involving doing something publicly embarrassing to adults:    …………. 2 years
adolescent  fantasies   that result in being scarred for life:
(physically scarred): 3 years  (emotionally scarred): 5 years
workplace situations that result in receiving a raise:  ………………………………………………… 6 hours
workplace situations that result in being fired: ………………………………………………………..  3 months
workplace situations that result in being arrested: ……………………………………………………. 4 years
relationship maturity demonstrated in daily life:  ……………………………………………………..  1.4 hours
relationship immaturity demonstrated in public: ………………………………………………………  4 days
a Post trying to illustrate the ephemeral nature of creative ideas: ………………………………….. 75 minutes

Quick reminder about the Holiday tomorrow:  If you do not know that July 4th is one of the most scottian of holidays, then you need to write  in one of the Comment boxes below 50 times

scotts love loud noises, it lets them believe they can have an effect on the world“.

Seriously, picture the coming Holiday:

  • takes place at the height of the Summer season
  • eating and drinking to excess is encouraged
  • minimal clothing allowed in virtually all public places (including churches and hospitals)
  • outdoor sports activities including chasing frisbees, being dragged behind a boat and the use of explosive devices (such explosives, that were it December instead of July,  a visit from Homeland Security would be the immediate result)
  • …minimal clothing

So for you non-scotts reading this, three July 4th Survival Tips:

  1. stay indoors
  2. keep the lights off and the glow of the TV shielded from windows and doors
  3. turn up the air conditioning and ….wear extra clothes

We hope that helps.

(repeat video):

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clarkscottroger About clarkscottroger
Well, what exactly do you want to know? Whether I am a clark or a scott or roger? If you have to ask, then you need to keep reading the Posts for two reasons: a)to get a clear enough understanding to be able to make the determination of which type I am and 2) to realize that by definition I am all three.* *which is true for you as well, all three...but mostly one

Comments

  1. RCoyne RCoyne says:

    That is very funny, and absolutely true. The local scotts in my neighborhood had a pipe launcher out in the street at 10 pm, blocking traffic from three directions. Tonight should be quite the adventure. I don’t think Ft. McHenry ever saw this much ordnance.

    • clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

      Our first summer in our house was quite an adventure, given the scottian nature of our immediate neighbor. (Backstory: I live in a house that was built on ‘excess land’ (which) runs behind all the neighbor’s lots. Everyone on our street have a front lawn that borders the street, except for us, we have a long driveway between 2 neighbors and our lot opens out along everyones’ back property line. The thing is, our house is newer by 20 years, which means to the people who have houses along the street our property used to be un-used, except for kids playing, dumping lean clippings and come the Fourth of July… ‘downrange’.

      Literally the bombs were bursting in the air over our little raised ranch, that first Fourth! lol ( to help appreciate our ‘not-getting-in-the-spirit-of-the-Fourth, I should note that our land is almost entirely treed…with pine trees )

      Anyway our neighbor seemed quite offended when I told him that he needed to aim the fireworks in a different direction

  2. Jennifer Wilson says:

    Hey I’ve got a multiple rocket launcher! You know… the ones they call Saturn Missiles. I can’t wait to shoot this thing off. It screams and shoots out sparks when you launch it….

  3. I’m lighting Black Cats and throwing them before they blow up in my hand. I love bottle rockets, most bang for the buck. F sparklers, for kids, unless you light up something worth smoking. I didn’t say that. Rogerian, Scottian, Clarkson, hmmmm. Like Kelly Clarkson. You know, she’s from hickville, Burleson, TX. Yep. I think she be Scottian max. I’m rolling tonight. IF you are not a fireworks person, you are NOT a Roger. We Rogers love those blasts and colors and booming sounds. Sounds like us in the toilet. Or, with a hangover.

    Now remember, tomorrow is the Birthday of our USA. yee+haw. I don’t know how much I care about that anymore, it’s like reading old dead writer’s books. Except Jefferson, his shit holds up now. And, Adam Smith. Fireworks shows in towns – what a waste of money. Much more interesting to hold a Black Cat in your hand or have a Roman Candle fight. That is a blast. Three or four people with roman candles shooting, the one who doesn’t burn up or lose an eye is the winner. Much better than going to a lousy local fireworks show, where the ending is “ohhhhh ahhhhhh oooooooo, woooooow wow, jesus, gimme a break”. Does the ” go inside the period? Oh, well, I’ll resort to the Chicago Manual of Style, no I’m not. Cause I’m a Roger and I don’t care enough to peruse that cursed book. I did in college enough. Grad school, barf.

    So, let’s all get drunk on the 4th like our founding Fathers, they were outlaws and drunks. Why not emulate their behavior? It’s only patriotic, right? I like the firework called Big Blast. LOUD. more later, gotta go eat.

    Don’t behave, let your hair down and get down. My best advice.

    • clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

      Interesting… (hey, I am a clark) OMIT Steve is surely a roger with a strong secondary scottian aspect… damn, since we on the subject of music and history and rogers who have Marshall stacks, does anyone else think that the Motor City Madman is a roger with a strong secondary scottian aspect, (as opposed to an predominant scott?), that boy do have a penchant for hats and hiding in the woods disguised as tree bark!
      The things we learn here at the Doctrine here.

  4. Tree bark? Ohhhhh, boy! Motor City (Kiss) love ’em. However, Madman? No Marilyn Manson here. Tho I do love he was a trombone player in his HS marching band. My my my, how things can change? That makes me think that people in the Doctrine CAN change or EVOLVE. I don’t hunt, or fish, don’t like to kill animals, much too revolting. I love the real life of every living thing. Humans? That is another issue. Walking bones with meat on them, talk talk talk, I did this or I’m doing that. *yawns* The shelf life of this post is probably up there with flour, or refined sugar. Anything that stays a long time on the shelf, stays a long time on your butt or belly. True.

    So, let’s go back to Fireworks. Why do people, who attend fireworks shows, feel need to make a SOUND after every explosion? As if in bed. You know what I mean. Madman? Across the Water? Elton John is a superior gay man with the best god-given talent a man can possess. I’ve seen him about eight times LIVE. I’ve NEVER seen him make a mistake. Even after his drug days. He is awesome. Awesome as some tree bark, I am assuming here. What kind of tree? I prefer palm trees, because Keith Richards thought he could scale one and fell and almost ended his three chord life. Mick would have no one to fight with and the vodka sales would surely go down. Now, let us get on with this Cowboy thing, I was presented with the following:

    Here ya go Cowboy a little test:

    Shane: clark or scott or roger
    Jack Palance (character in the same movie): clark scott or roger
    Willie Nelson:
    Vince Gill:
    Albert Lee:

    I had to go to youtube to refresh my mind about this show where I cried “COME BACK SHANE!” as a 10 yr old.

    Ok. Shane, I believe is a CLARK.
    Jack Palance is a ROGER
    Willie Nelson is a Roger in confidence, but his weed smoking makes me think he is more a CLARK in real life.
    Vince Gill = I believe is Scottian. His decision to leave his wife for Amy Grant leads me to believe he said “ah, a better move up the ladder, bring it on!”
    Albert Lee = I have no idea. I would suspect with his shredding, he would be a ROGER. Almost sure.

    So, that’s my take on the Cowboy test – and by the way, I’m as much a Cowboy as the Federal Reserve is as Federal as Federal Express.

    Have a drink and relax. It’s a good time, the night before all the sky commotion. The oooohss and aahhhhhs and wow’s. A human need to validate the fireworks, who the Chinese invented 5,000 years ago. Maybe that’s why we love some egg rolls… ohhhh ahhhhh and well, you know. Coldplay could probably explain it more subtly, I’m always sharp and edgy life a Ginsu knife. But, wait order one and that’s not all! You get more of my BS in my book for FREE if you act now! Holy stinking cow and slaughtered pigs! The food channels have changed my complete thought about the human race. Show after show after show to explain food. All we really needed was the first one, Emeril LaGasse. Now, we have Chopped and Crow Face Deletion and who in the F**K decided it was a great idea to TIME meals? Cooking, for Christ’s sake! If the sauce needs to go a bit longer, then so be it. But NO! We have 30 seconds to blast the sauce so some judges can eat some of it and get diarrhea after the show. If I would have had another FIVE MINUTES, it would have been awesome. Almost as awesome as the finale of the fireworks show in your town!

    Well, I’ve said enough, hope I passed the Cowboy test. History might prove me wrong, but then again might prove me immortal. Treasure. Arg! Have a nice 4th, remember the FIFTH is the next day, like Beethoven. What a genius. So many overlooked genius types, Sinatra, Al Pacino, Elvis. Shattered by being whored out after they are dead, the riches of the Kings, where their legacy is turned into bottled Benjamins for the relatives. Freak show. Is that the proper way to honor these human superiors? I think I don’t know anymore, but I gotta go buy some bottle rockets. Best bang for the buck, much the special part of town in San Fran.

    Love

    • clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

      ohh kay! Thank you Mr. Crabtree. Just leave your Blue Test booklet and pencil on the desk and we will be in touch (…yes, even if there is only a half an inch, not counting the eraser, left)

      You know, some of our scottian friends remark on the subdued and reserved tone of many of the Posts that appear in these pages… we trust you are happy now.

  5. Molly Molly M. says:

    The 4th is my favorite holiday… in fact, it is the only holiday I look forward to. Was so disappointed today to see a brand new sign on the edge of town warning that there is currently a firework and burn ban for the town. Blame it on the dry weather. :(

    I was looking forward to some black cat throwing.

    • clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

      @Molly I welcome the rain (see Reply to the roger’s Comment) as the pine forest that I am in the middle up burn like the encore set of the Crazy World of Arthur Brown… and hell, if the firecrackers will get the local scotts running around, just imagine what the sound of 2 or 3 fire truck sirens going off in concert will do!

  6. Downspring#1 says:

    Ted a roger, really?! Would have taken him for a scott. He is most “certain” and adament with his “opinions”. Certain, brash, impulsive….he is of the herd? Huh, will ponder further…..

    What’s with these black cat things? Hear a lot about them. Down here in good ole Florida the word “bomb” seems to be on all packages of fireworks. I am still amazed that grocery stores are places you can lay down $50 for a “kit” of fireworks. But it’s OK….we card! LOL

    Sorry Molly about the burn ban. Know all about those. Sucks not to celebrate your fave holiday with such explosive, colorful noise makers. Maybe if you listen carefully and the sky is very clear you can hear the scotts celebrating in the next state over.

    Happy 4th! (is what they say.)

    • clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

      @DS#1 …is brand of Fireworks, most associated with the small firecrackers, sometimes referred to as Ladyfingers ( lol!?! iiyee! the imagery! the imagery get it out of my head!!) But they are the small, baby-dynamite looking things, I think come in rows of like 6 or 8 tied together so they go off in a semi-sequential way.

  7. clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

    not totally committed to the Ted as a roger, just seems that he is a little too thoughtfully sincere with his pronouncements and I seems to recall him acting ‘outraged’ at someone for some foolish thing, going so far as to say, “those people don’t know the real me…they should come to my ranch and watch me hunt the terminally ill children that I invite here for fun and education”*

    *or words to that effect.

  8. Yes, sadly, there are many states suffering drought-like conditions and have cancelled ALL firework shows, even by the pros. However, there are many on TV tonight, so turn the big screen sound up to eleven, turn off all the lights, grab a cold beverage and it’s good enough, better than ONE house burning down or an entire state COLORADO.

    In Indiana, the fine is $2500, zero tolerance, so (damn) we bought those box kits for zilch. But, sobering news – yes I am able to deliver sobering news – there were something like 14,000 fires in 2010 contributed to fireworks alone. In just a day or two. Insurance company nightmare. Just last night, in Dallas, a home burned down (fireworks suspected) and I have to agree, best to just wait for a better time – risk vs. ohhhh ahhhhh wooow! But, you can watch several some are so real, your house might burn down! Be careful! If you wanna play it safe? Get a bottle rocket at the pool party, light it, wait, then drop it in the pool – it will shoot thru the pool like a torpedo then explode, the smoke rising out of the water. It’s true, now don’t know how happy the pool owner would be but if they are Clark-like? They will avoid confrontation, “HEYYYY, please (note: Please!)Please don’t do that!” If I were there, I’d do it again. But, hey “Why can’t we all just get along?”

    He’s dead. Happy 4th, btw, it was 100 years after 1776 before the USA actually celebrated the 4th. Gave the English time to chill. 1870, I think was first year. Ok, enough I hear you saying “who gives a rat’s ass”.

    Hoist a couple for moi and c’est la vie! Etienne, the Motor City Madman, I’m hanging out today with Ted Nugent (for real!) We gonna go look for rattlesnakes then put a black cat in their mouth, then go cruising, looking for old rocker babes who still dig Ted’s Stranglehold. May the flag wave unburned today. WF, party on.

  9. Downspring#1 says:

    LOL

    Lest we forget….it’s really about rogers today, isn’t it? LOL

  10. damn RIGHT! IF not for ROGERS? We wouldn’t have this country today.!

    Somebody with Rogerian characteristics had to give the finger to the British and then continue to pummel them. Tea and crumpets, anyone? Boom, so sorry chap, to shoot you in the head. This is now America and good luck with you attempt to keep it. So, they left Plymouth Rock and we started making Plymouths, tho some of them do NOT rock. But, we rock!

    So, hats of to all you ROGERS – you others, find yourself a Roger and hang around them today – all that’s required of you is have a good time and enjoy yourself. Come a little closer, there, see? No no no, don’t speak, it will ruin it all, just bring me a glass of Pinot and please have your swimsuit on, bikini beach and it becomes a free for all – blame the Rogers! It’s our Independence Day! Downspring? Don’t be afraid, it’s fine, it’s a happy Roger day – not a kick your face Roger day. C’mon, let’s have a drink! And a hug! Why can’t we just all get along? No rap sheet on me, nay nay. I just heard a Black Cat. It was a car commercial with Shaq, see? Fooled ya! ha ha! Enjoy the day, and Clarks? Just jump in the water, no need to wiggle your foot in it.

  11. Black cats – we (as kids, of course) put one in a frog’s mouth, he bounced up about a foot off the ground.

    We laughed. Such nice boys. Black cats will do a number on your hand/fingers, so don’t hold ’em, some of the wicks burn faster than you think, then OUCH for a couple of days. Trust me. if you can.

    1776, the Declaration was written later, but this is the date they decided, hey F ’em, we can do this.

  12. Downspring#1 says:

    OK. Back from Groceryland and guess what? Many of the modern fireworks of the day come equipped with….glow in the dark fuses! I had no idea of the advances made in the neighborhood pyrotechnic market. I bet a clark thought that one up. LOL Wait, maybe it was a scott – “here, boy. doesn’t matter if it’s midnight, see? don’t need the stinkin’ flashlight.”

  13. clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

    lol Glow Fuse ( motto: “when you can’t see the glow, it’s time to let go!” )

  14. Ok, how do I get a PIC of myself on these posts ? I know it’s simple, but I’m not interested in looking it up, just a simple raise my hand, “yes?” How do I put a pic on my anonymous face? I’m tired of being a Bic penhead. And, I’m in total anticipation of our local fireworks show. Not really. They cut back every year. Next thing you know, it will be a bunch of pole dancers with sparklers (now that might work!)

    Chauvinism. Is it possible that one of the CSR group is more chauvinistic than another? I’m not, but I’ve been told I am – (“shut up, bitch!) I’m sorry, but please, don’t speak, ok? I feel as tho women PROVOKE men into bad behavior. I hate a car trip with my wife because I am TRAPPED in the car until the destination. That’s why I won’t travel with her (we’ve been married 30+ years) that in itself is remarkable, considering I”m a CHAUVINIST!

    Ah, screw it. All men are. Metrosexual or not. I’m just not down with pretending to like crap I don’t like. Honey? Do these jeans make my butt look fat? sheesh, the answer, if you don’t already know by now, is NO THEY DO NOT! To get an honest answer, ask a girlfriend. Not your husband, who will be cut off for 7 months if the answer is YES. duh. Why even ask? I wore a brown shoe on one foot and a black one on another foot to see how many people would notice or comment. HA! NO ONE! That proves an important part of the Doctrine – Rogers, Clarks, Scotts can probably ALL get away with that, which gives us something in common. Stupidity. I have a question? WHO, out of the CSR characters are the SMARTEST? There has to be something in the Doctrine that says ONE OF THESE is the smarter of the herd! OH! I just answered it! The HERD! Rogers! Now, Scotts would sniff up and say, REAHLLLY? How many degrees do YOU have?

    Oh for God’s sake! A degree means you memorized everything a class told you to and you passed on and got your 36 in and then you say HA HA I’m a GRAD STUDENT with a MASTERS! You idiot! Even tho the plumber makes more than me, I am a musician, a PRO, which means I AM PAID to offer up my wares. No what in the hell sense do I need to do – show them my diploma before they hire me for a studio gig? Crapola deluxe – it just says I can be a band director. Which I will NEVER EVER be, omg, I can’t imagine a worse fate.

    So 1. How do I get a pic on here
    2. Who is the smarter of the CSR groups?
    3. Who left the lid off of the mayonnaise?
    4. Why can’t I ever win the BIG money on scratch off lotto tix?
    5. Why do people say “OH IT”S SO HOT OUTSIDE”? Damn, it’s called SUMMER!
    6. Could a Roger have a few other Scottian or Clarkian (I like that one) aspects like ornaments on the tree bark? you know, just a few berries on the big oak?
    7. I suggest that everyone in the WF send in a pic of themselves in a swim suit. Or scuba gear. Or, in the mouth of a Great White! Awesome!
    8. Why do I write these things when I could be reading MAD magazine?
    9. Opposable thumbs. So that’s how we got outta da water.
    10. Boom Boom Boom ,pow, kaboom, kaboom. (in case you are not a Roger, that is for you!)

    I’ll conclude this mundane comment by saying this: How do I get a pic on here? I bet Downspring could show me how. Also:

    I like Molly’s writings. Hits a nerve in me, makes me want to know the inside, she writes about the outside of things. Go into it. Get into it. Nothing to hide, more more more. And btw! Her pic, which is nice, shows her holding TREE BARK! Go figure that one out, OR . . .

  15. clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

    just be yourself! ask the question and the appropriate answer will follow!

    (ya know, the cool thing about this here Doctrine here, at least at this early stage is that we are selecting for qualities that are fairly rare in the general population…everyone active here at the Doctrine ‘get’ the Wakefield Doctrine and have… drive…strength of Will…something or other that, while not always apparent makes them not average blog readers. )

    …and they have names! albeit, pretend made-up names, lol but if I get run-over by a tourist bus full of Slovenian nuns here on holiday, any one of the DownSprings/progenitor could continue this thing…