Maybe I was wrong to ever let you down, but I did what I did before love came to town

Welcome to the Wakefield Doctrine (the theory of clarks, scotts and rogers)

As everyone knows we are about to celebrate Thanksgiving here in Oceania. Once a single-day holiday, calendar-creep now has it starting on Wednesday and ending Sunday night (…”man, did you see the traffic on the interstate”?). We will make every effort to keep the Posts coming, even through such a distracting time of year. (This Post is as mixed and confused as the Holiday itself).
Second only to Christmas in it’s demands upon the members (of our) culture, Thanksgiving is shedding it’s historical camouflage and coming into it’s own in terms of proscribed ritual behavior. Of course, Thanksgiving has always laid claim to being a standalone, not-a-hand-me-down, genuine American holiday, unlike those twin imported festivals,  Christmas and Easter. As children we are not only taught the story of  The First Thanksgiving, we even had school-directed Thanksgiving lessons.1  As a result, it is a holiday in which it is relatively simple to know how to act properly and  as such,  is clark-friendly.2 I probably should resurrect/re-post something from the Doctrine archives that deal with the holidays, but hey! it’s Thanksgiving Week!! And we all know what that means!

…it means stress raised to levels otherwise experienced only on Wedding Days, (the day before) major Surgery, asking a girl out for the first time and/or giving birth; all delivered to every single member of your family unit in equal doses:

  • the cook-person (usually the female, but not always) “hey get out of the kitchen, you’re in the way”!/”hey where did everyone go, why do I have to be stuck in the kitchen”?
  • the children “why can’t we go outside, we hardly know those people”!/”I will try to get home at least for dinner, but I have a term paper that has to get laid”
  • the relatives (old) “why I remember when you were just this tall”!/”don’t you remember when we all went to the shore, you were this this tall”
  • the relatives (young) “why can’t we stay home and have dinner”/”there’s nothing on TV, they don’t have any video games at grandma’s house”!
  • the invited friends “hey, you know what would be really exciting“?/”hey, your family are really nice people”!
  • the turkey/the carving/the presenting of the food, “it’s over-cooked I just know I over-cooked it”!/”no, it’s just fine! It’s just that the knife is still too dull”!
  • the desserts “hey, more than one desert at a single meal”!/”what the hell is a ‘Mince’ and why is it in a pie”?

We all know that “the holidays” are experienced differently by each of the three (clarks, scotts and rogers) and therefore the demands of the celebrations are very effective illustration of the nature of each. But if there was no Thanksgiving, a roger would have invented it! (Actually, they probably did). Think about it! A holiday celebration that is:

  • based on a factual historical event (sort of)
  • the protagonists (of the story) are religious refugees, persecuted and driven away together on boats
  • food, specific food and a not-to-be-deviated-from Menu
  • ritual menu and a full schedule of events 
  • shopping in herds, as the climax of the celebration (Black Friday)
  • a moral taught to the young: we came here, those strangers who helped us were different, (…we had a feast and wiped out their culture)

I will be so bold as to suggest that there is no more rogerian a holiday than Thanksgiving!  If there was a St Roger, his feast day would so be in the last week of November.  (Saint Roger; Holy Mother Church’s only self-martyred Martyr. He died at the hands of the original Pilgrims and the Wampanoags;  records in Vatican archives tell us that St Roger’s suggestions throughout the day were accepted with good nature by all in attendance, i.e. “..don’t you think the deer is a little over-cooked”…”pumpkin pie? who would make a pie out of those things?”…”why is that construction-paper Indian’s head all folded”… But, as the story has it, the assembled party reached their limits when he was heard to say, “what do you mean, ‘no turkey’? the best part of the holiday is a cold turkey and pemmican sandwich at around 9:00pm’. His martyrdom is the subject of an up-coming Ken Burns documentary, “St. Roger…when enough is not nearly enough“)

And since we are on the subject of rogers and holidays, is there any human activity that is more one sided, over-hyped, expectations-sure-to-fall short, ( not counting sex on the eve of a relationship breaking up),  than parades? I don’t care if you are a trombone player in the middle of the herd or someone sitting in their living room watching it on TV…you are a roger. (…Someone tell me I’m lying.)

In any event, my own memories of (childhood)  Thanksgivings are all about the walnuts. (Among the several once-a-year foods) a bowl of nuts was put in the living room for the guests but the cool thing was that the nutcracker and those pointy-picking-something-out devices were included. I did not, and still do not like walnuts, but the chance to use the implements was the high point of the day. (…well that little memory-leftover has nothing to do with any of the rest of this trainwreck of a Post, lol)

1) such as pageants and plays and a whole bunch of shit that we were forced to make out of construction paper (using those rounded scissors and that white-paste-stuff that you could never keep off your fingers) and then the fuckin head of the Indians you so carefully crafted would get folded over and the whole thing still had to go up on the border around the blackboard of the classroom.

2) you really should not need this explained to you…about clarks…and holidays.

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clarkscottroger About clarkscottroger
Well, what exactly do you want to know? Whether I am a clark or a scott or roger? If you have to ask, then you need to keep reading the Posts for two reasons: a)to get a clear enough understanding to be able to make the determination of which type I am and 2) to realize that by definition I am all three.* *which is true for you as well, all three...but mostly one

Comments

  1. RCoyne RCoyne says:

    It was actually Lincoln who pinned Thanksgiving on the map, just after the Gettysburg Address. He was such a freaking genius at marketing stuff. And you’re absolutely right about boatloads of rogers in search of religious freedom. They establish themselves, and promptly start denying everyone else religious freedom. But that in turn led to Roger Williams cutting out on his own, which led to RI and Prov. Plantations. If that had played differently, we’d be sitting in the Commonwealth of Mass. right now.
    On another note, the walnut thing reminds me of one Thanksgiving spent watching TV with a two-lb. container of hickory-smoked almonds. The next day, the doctor’s office was closed, so I had to crawl into a walk-in clinic begging for death. Sadly, they chose to go with the Hippocratic Oath. They figured I had already done enough harm, so I was on a rice/banana diet for a few weeks. But they did giggle a lot and point at the x-rays of my baboon ass.

    • clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

      The memories that stick are always strange, (why the walnuts?) but it is mostly about the “once a yearedness” of the event. The mulitple dessert thing, never would happen any other time, 2 damn pies at one meal. And then there are the memories that are hammered into a young mind, like one of those Intaglio/Currier and Ives scenes…Macy’s Day Parade. I watched because I was a child, but even then it made no sense at all. I would sit and hope something would happen, like a ballon-Snoopy crashing into a building or maybe just have them stop. Even the participants did not seem to enjoy the process…frozen smiles on other-wise attractive women, the crowd making noise for the sake of the noise….
      (yes, of course, from the rogerian perspective that is the whole point )

  2. phyllis says:

    You’re right about Thanksgiving being the ultimate Rogerian holiday; and you don’t have to be human to get the benefit. Bella, the rogerian dog, would love to go to the farm to pick up The Turkey. She would greet the other shoppers from the car. And, when the big day finally arrived, she would greet Mom with a look that clearly said:
    “Hey, do you know what today is? That’s right I can hardly believe it. It’s Turkey Day.” To the roger, it is always about sharing the “memory”. Also known as “making memories”.

    • clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

      …as a species, dogs are not that commonly rogers. Part of the joy that Bella would express on Thanksgiving came from her knowing there was a ritual, a schedule, an inevitabilty to the day. (For new Readers, Bella was a dog with food issues. For a variety of reasons, she was never really secure about food, not relaxed to the matter of whether the next meal would, in fact, appear. ) But on Thanksgiving Day, her rogerian nature allowed her to relax, knowing that on this day, the food would cook all day long and the food would be presented on the table and the spare parts would be offered to her as a part of her regular meal. Her ‘table manners’, never that bad would become downright formal, again due to her recognizing that the ceremony would provide.

  3. Downspring#1 says:

    There never was an explanation for the “multiple” desserts (pies)….but enjoyable nonetheless:)
    For me, parades are in the same “why?” catagory as the Circus….just don’t get it.

  4. Downspring#1 says:

    Being the holiday de la moment, I wish for all Wakefield Doctrine readers a stress free, if not relaxing day today.
    Remember – the Wakefield Doctrine, the theory of clarks, scotts and rogers, can assist in that endeavor:)
    I promise:):)

  5. clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

    (you have made a true statement)…will join the sentiment, ex cathedra)…

    every last one of you should have a Thanksgiving Day characterized by the following: an informative/emotional/active Day as is appropriate to your individual forms and glenn! no trying ‘to pass’

  6. Glenn Miller says:

    A term paper that “has to get LAID”???? Is that what you meant to write? Or are you revealing something in a freudian way about your mood at the moment? Is there a joke here I did not get? Why am I the only one to see this?
    and…”pass”…Do you mean gas? Or no utterances of one of the greatest rogerian expressions ever–“No thanks, I’ll surpass..” Thanksgiving this year is enhanced by NFL football that matters locally. The Pats are playing. And I get to watch it in a group setting with other people who are invested in the outcome. Not only will I get to eat lots of food–but also lots of rogers emotionally struggling with the game–great dining. Big crowd of people all waiting for me to say something outrageous. Hate to disappoint people. Some will get angry. Some will be amused. “That Glenn. You never what he’s going to say..” All will be impacted. Nothing but fun. My sister recently got very angry with me for putting the word “fuck” on Facebook. I responded by telling her that she was “fucking right” and talking like that sounds “fucked up”. She then called me an “a-hole”. I then said, “Hey, who’s calling the puppy fluffy? We all know A don’t stand for apple.” She hasn’t spoken to me since. Fuck her.

  7. clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

    (the following is from the roger…thought it best to duplicate it as a Coment for today, as I see a Comment from glenn showing up and often)…balance is good

    …also a message/question to the roger…I watched 13 seconds of the Macy’s Day Parade…(what the followers of St Roger would consider Palm Thursday) But thats not important now, what is important is one of the attractive backup singers on the Jimmy Dean Float (or would that be ‘skid’?) anyway, she was playing a teardrop shaped acoustic guitar! Thought it was a mandolin (which I hate) but no! now that I think of it there were ‘F’ holes…any idea?

    The best aspect of the WD is best seen from a distance; a wide-angle view, if you will.
    If considered from a liberal standpoint ( and consequently applied as such), it illustrates to newcomers that;
    it is highly advisable and acceptable to think ” out of the box”. In contrast to academic psychology, which generally attempts to make very much out of very little, the WD should represent a free-range approach that can provide very quick and insightful results.
    The flip side; if applied from an overly conservative standpoint, the WD will likely be used as a new dogma that simply reinforces prejudices that were likely already firmly in place.
    Ultimately, the WD should be used responsibly. Although newcomers will initially enjoy the ” labeling” phase, they should hopefully realize that there is more to learn about oneself here than anything else

  8. clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

    yes, glenn (that) was meant as a joke (we know that explaining a joke rarely ever makes people retro-laugh), but screw people…I’m the creator, damn it! (eddie murphy as Gumby)

    the joke is implied, (that) the person that quote/statement is being attributed to is a family member in college, has their own life, own friends now…parents don’t even know who his/her friends in school are…duty, however, drags them home for Thanksgiving but their new/own life is pulling in the other direction…so you are right on all counts…is joke, and the joke has a ‘freudian slip’ for the protaganist….blah…blah blah

    I actually liked your Comment…you had something to contribute…the view (of the world) from the eyes of a scott…good work……

    …asshole

  9. Amy Becherer says:

    One good thing that came of my layoff and divorce over a year ago, is the fact I have no money. As such, I am allowed to indulge my reclusive nature. No one wants a “downer” to remind them of the fact that those gathered together for Thanksgiving really don’t even like each other. Even as a kid, I wondered who mandated the necessity of observing time set aside to overeat, express pseudo goodwill or the need to catch up with dysfunctional relatives. If I was that caliber of actor, I wouldn’t be poor.

    Last Christmas, as I enjoyed my PBJ and listened to the news coverage on the fascinating Obama Christmas menu as they vacationed in Hawaii, I was grateful for the quiet and company of my Scottish Terrier, MacGregor. This year I decided to surprise him with a “frozen” turkey dinner, because if food equates to love, he certainly deserves better than PBJ.

    • clarkscottroger clarkscottroger says:

      Thank you for the Commentation! I took the liberty of moving your Comment up to today’s Post, so that no one would miss it.